8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
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Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms