8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
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My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.