8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
my astrological sign is a french fry
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
