Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

I disagree with my politics

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”