“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
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I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
one last job
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.