8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

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Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots


I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.


Dear Abby,

I want to run over my neighbor with my SUV. How can I do that without raising my insurance rates?


I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.


Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.


if you meet a woman under the age of 75 named “Maude” or “Agatha” it’s a good bet to check nearby for a time machine


Maybe in ten years we can forget this foolishness and be friends. In the mean time I hope you drop dead, and I will come to your funeral in a red dress, you horror of a human being.

-Me to my Ex.