8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
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Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?