Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”