8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
You Might Also Like
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.