8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
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I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
thats my bad
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.