Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

Doormats are a gateway rug.

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

That earthquake could have been an email.

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

We know he can swim but…

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃