8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
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Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch