8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
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My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this