Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.