If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
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“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.