Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he

playing pool? you mean swimming?

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks