8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
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If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
making my dog give me my pills
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Happy Meal.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.