Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

I missed you with all my darts

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.