8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
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Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*