8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
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“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”