8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
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The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”