8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
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Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Me trying to “trust the process”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Not today
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?