8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
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I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
