8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
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When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I’m putting together a team
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.