8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
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Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!