8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
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*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Why I divorced her.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off
people do NOT like that joke
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!