8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
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Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Labreador
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
good work, detective
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.