Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.