Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.