Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

Great Canadian literature.

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.