8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
You Might Also Like
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.