8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
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[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
A leaf blower, but for people.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.