Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.