Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

HR said no more nunchucks.

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

Sunday

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.