8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
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Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
The United Steaks of America
