Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Is fructose made with real fruct?

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

🐿️

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

My first son he is wonderful

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.