Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

Google Pay be like:

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.