Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This headline is a thing of beauty

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

Follow me for more recipes

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

I think about this cartoon a lot.

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name