8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
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Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.