Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

“I FIXED IT!”

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators