Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

*files a restraining order against reality*

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

who named him groot and not spruce lee

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks