Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

We will use anything but the metric system

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards