8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
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I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell