9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.