9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
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Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I have questions??
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?