9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
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Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
No one:
London landlords:
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!