9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
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Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
could’ve been anyone
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.