Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.