Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

No, you’re not getting it your honor

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.