9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
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“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
The big book of baby names but for safe words
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
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Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.