9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
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Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Harsh but fair
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.