9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
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*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
⛄️
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.