Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

Two types of dogs.

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.