Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

🌲😼

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.