9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
You Might Also Like
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?