9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
My last name is Zilla.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
