9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
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Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s