Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

Y’all know who you are.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

I went from rags to one rag.

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that