Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.