Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

This billboard speaks to me

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see