9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
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My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes