Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

The news in a nutshell.

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.