Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.