Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance