9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
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My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song