the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
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Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My wedding will be open casket.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.