9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
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H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
me working on my assignments ^-^