9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
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“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”