9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
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There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Kids: Stay in school.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
you’re not fooling anyone
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Lol
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
certified hallow’s eve classic
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.