9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
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The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.