9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
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[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
the best thing i’ve ever made
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.