9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I get distracted pretty eas
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
pain
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime