Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.