Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

So the ex texted me

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )